[It really is all very childish. And suddenly, a thought occurs to Raven, as he shifts his weight back to sit down on the floor proper, just out of Bucky's swatting range.]
Course not. I'm not interesting in fighting. Just thought you could use th' company.
[ Well actually he hates the company! Thanks for fucking asking!!!! He hates that he shat the bed so bad with Kano right in front of everyone, and he hates that he can't even go sulk in a corner about it in peace without someone witnessing all his shame.
It's hard enough to deal with being a piece of shit. It's harder trying to hide it because someone else is in the room now.
He grinds out a single, venomous word: ]
What?
[ He's not combative right now, not really, but it's much easier to sound that way than it is to sound vulnerable. ]
[Wow we will try to unpack all of that later, Bucky, but first things first.]
Now don't take this the wrong way, but how old are ya right now? [He's not trying to call you a child he's just looking for confirmation of his theory.]
[ It's a weird noise, somewhere between a snort and a mean, self-deprecating laugh. He uncurls, just a bit, but keeps his gaze firmly cast downwards with a hand covering his eyes. ]
Hell if I know. Last I can remember, I was 20, but I...I know I'm missing a lot.
Well no wonder, then. 20 year olds are idiots. I was a real dumbass at that age. If anything I'm impressed yer holding it together as much as ya have been. Missing huge chunks of yer life is miserable, I get that. [That whole Schwann nonsense. Schwannsense if you will.]
[ On reflex, he wants to say he isn't a dumbass, that he's plenty smart and more capable than plenty of men twice his age. But, well. He did just nearly murder Kano. So.
Still, Raven's words almost feel like a mockery. Like a practical joke--"hey, you nearly killed some defenseless kid, but at least you're not crying about how miserable you are!" What a load of shit. He's supposed to be better than this.
He has to swallow around the lump in his throat a few times before he's confident enough to try saying anything again. ]
[He doesn't know what he said wrong but he can sure tell that it was.]
Sorry. I'm just tryin' ta commiserate with ya. Whatever it is that's got you all worked up, I ain't gonna judge. <small.[Because he's made so many mistakes himself.]
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Course not. I'm not interesting in fighting. Just thought you could use th' company.
[Hm. He's hesitant to bring it up, but;]
Also, I've got a question for ya.
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It's hard enough to deal with being a piece of shit. It's harder trying to hide it because someone else is in the room now.
He grinds out a single, venomous word: ]
What?
[ He's not combative right now, not really, but it's much easier to sound that way than it is to sound vulnerable. ]
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Now don't take this the wrong way, but how old are ya right now?
[He's not trying to call you a child he's just looking for confirmation of his theory.]
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Hell if I know. Last I can remember, I was 20, but I...I know I'm missing a lot.
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Well no wonder, then. 20 year olds are idiots. I was a real dumbass at that age. If anything I'm impressed yer holding it together as much as ya have been. Missing huge chunks of yer life is miserable, I get that.
[That whole Schwann nonsense. Schwannsense if you will.]
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[ On reflex, he wants to say he isn't a dumbass, that he's plenty smart and more capable than plenty of men twice his age. But, well. He did just nearly murder Kano. So.
Still, Raven's words almost feel like a mockery. Like a practical joke--"hey, you nearly killed some defenseless kid, but at least you're not crying about how miserable you are!" What a load of shit. He's supposed to be better than this.
He has to swallow around the lump in his throat a few times before he's confident enough to try saying anything again. ]
Like that's got anything to do with anything.
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Sorry. I'm just tryin' ta commiserate with ya. Whatever it is that's got you all worked up, I ain't gonna judge.
<small.[Because he's made so many mistakes himself.]
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...I can't believe it. I was more of an asshole before I forgot the rest of my life, but at least I didn't try to kill anyone.
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[He thinks Bucky is kind of an asshole but like the fun kind? So it's fine.]
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[Hm.]
Does it help if I say I never would have called ya the former over the latter?
[You were always pretty feral in his experience, buddy.]
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he remembers what he was like a few weeks ago, raven, he knows he was a grouch ]
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[Are they???????]
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he sighs. ]
What's there to help anyway? Can't exactly undo a murder attempt.